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Driving your Car along Success Road – The Keith David Guide to Wealth

Driving your Car along Success Road – The Keith David Guide to Wealth
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Setting out on the path to wealth is like changing a set of spark plugs on an old tractor.

Once you’ve done it, you can move lots of earth.

Richard Branson, 2003. *

The next part of your journey along Success Road is to start work on creating your expertise.

Writing something is the easiest and best way to start. You must create a “Fountain of Wisdom” and encourage others to stop and drink from the crystal clear waters of inspiration.

Here is the best way to do it. Grab a piece of paper right now. Think of the subject you want to be an expert in and write as much as you can about that subject on the piece of paper. Don’t stop until you are exhausted. Keep going until you are physically unable to lift the pen to continue. If you get hungry, keep writing. Need to sleep or even walk the dog? Stay awake. Kick the dog. Write until you collapse with your head on the page.

If you need the toilet, don’t go. Wet yourself. You can always clean it up later.

If you have what it takes to sit and do something until it hurts, you are on the first step of the ladder of success. You are a grafter, someone who does not mind hard work.

Writing the First Chapter of your Expert Guide

Here is the very first draft of my own, highly successful expert guide, which made me rich. It is a guide on how to lose weight without exercising or dieting.

First Draft of The Fat Man’s Guide to not being Fat

Chapter 1 –Lose Some Weight

Losing weight is never easy. If you are reading this, it is quite likely you are a fat, idle, good for nothing layabout who likes nothing better than a Frey Bentos Steak Pie and 6 pints of Old Peculier in your local hostelry.

Why have you let yourself get in this state? What benefit are you to society apart from keeping whole businesses going by purchasing social mobility cars, fish & chips and oversize trousers?

Have you smelt the emissions from your bottom? No? If you did ever manage to bend over that far the stench would put you off being fat ever again.

A fat man sat on a chair in an office I worked at for less than 10 minutes. The chair had to be burnt it stank so badly.

Burden on society? You bet.

Not sure if you are fat? Take the following test:

Test 1

Run to your nearest takeaway and back.

(blank page – insert here)

Aha – got you. If you knew where your nearest takeaway is located you clearly have an eating disorder. Are you still alive after running to the takeaway and back? You are probably not as fat as you think.

Reading this having just suffered a heart attack from running to the takeaway? Bad luck, not only are you fat, you are one of life’s losers. Your heart was clearly weak and in need of an attack to stimulate the receptors in your ventricles.

The key to a happy and meaningful well being is contained within this book – YOU have the power to change your life and only YOU can make a difference to your miserable existence. After all, losing weight quickly is easy if you are an elephant suffering from dysentery.

No more children following you up the road throwing sausages at you. No more changing your trousers every time you flatulate. No more inevitable questions from your children as to why the fridge and all the food cupboards are bare all the time. No more embarrassment at Christmas when you eat 5 selection boxes in one sitting and make all the children cry.

YOU can change (when you have spent £14.99 on this book) and become a normal person again.

Make sure you have you bought this book – if you have borrowed it from the library I guarantee that it will not work. Take it back immediately. Go straight to your bookshop and order a copy. Write your name on the special “Fat Person ID tag”.

Put your hand on your heart and say every morning to yourself:

“I am not fat. I am me. There is no ‘m’ in fat. There is no ‘e’ in fat. I swear I will stop being fat as quickly as possible, or God or other deity (choose your own) can strike me down and cease the production of Mars bars forever.”

You can see from the extract above that the first draft to a book is always very rough and ready, but contains the kernel of your ideas and gives you foundations to build your writings on.

Expert Book Title

For most writers, titles come from bursts of inspiration.

Take Charles Dickens. It is rumoured that Oliver Twist was originally called “George Arbuthnot”. One day, Charles Dickens was at the fairground in Stoke Newington when he saw a helter skelter. His nephew, called Oliver, remarked to his uncle in passing that he wanted to go and do the twist again, like he had done the previous summer.

Ernest Hemingway was stood at a bus stop outside Kings Cross station, watching an old man trying to climb onto a departing bus. Unfortunately just as he reached out to jump onto the foot plate, the old man slipped, fell over and landed on his head. At the same time the clock on a nearby church started ringing out for 12pm. Rather than running to the elderly gentleman’s aid, Hemingway got out his diary and noted down “For Whom the Bell Tolls”.

My title for the weight loss book came to me in a flash of inspiration. I had already considered the following list:

  • Lose Weight or Die (a bit morbid).
  • Lose Weight or Die Trying (a bit macho).
  • You are Useless and Fat. Lose Some Weight! (a bit insulting).
  • Rediscovering your Penis – A Guide for Fat Men (excludes over 50% of the potential customers).
  • Lard and Me Get Divorced (a bit obscure).


I settled on “The Fat Man’s Guide to Not Being Fat”. It describes the book perfectly. After all, the book is a guide for fat people showing them how to lose weight. Who is the Fat Man? This is an added mystery to lure the reader to buy the book and find out.


Once you have started writing, it is now time to take the next step and put some formalities in place. If you are going to be an expert, you must make sure you have protected yourself from any financial losses that could arise. You just never know what may happen.

For example, let’s say you become an expert at making your own flying car. You write a guide on how to build the car and sell it.

Unfortunately, your first customer suffers terrible injuries when he attempts to take off because you forgot to include any wings in your design.

No doubt the customer will want some recompense for taking your defective advice. He could go for your house, your car, your wife’s wedding ring and all your worldly possessions. Your wife would throw you out, once she had attempted to kill you, your family would disown you and you would be left destitute.

However, if you set up a limited company the customer gets nothing. You shut the business, shrug your shoulders and walk away.

In my own successful venture, we set up The Fat People Company Limited. It is important to make sure you follow the various regulations and I have included a Board Meeting template below.


A Company Ltd
Board Meeting – LOCATION HERE

Date: 8th June 2018


  • Bob Carolgees (chair)
  • Hamish Macbeth
  • Vladimir Putin


Meeting opened by Bob Carolgees.

Matters discussed:




Vladimir Putin stated that there was the following resolution to be made. This was discussed, and it was resolved to:

1. Declare an interim dividend of £20 per ordinary share, totalling £10,000.
2. Total amount paid to shareholders to date for the current tax year (15-16) equals £26,250.


Bob Carolgees


Comments (1)

  • * Re the Richard Branson quote: strictly speaking, I didn’t really need to check whether this quotation was true. But I did. It’s bollocks. There is a farmer in the next village called Richard Branson but he assures me that he most definitely did not say this.

    I laughed until I wet myself when I first read the bit about wetting your pants (I blame childbirth). Keith is obsessed with cleanliness. Our children have to wash their hands twice before eating breakfast and once before tea. Every week the carpets in the house must be vacuumed at least four times. Add this to a bladder the size of a 2p piece; the thought of Keith being prepared to sit in his own urine whilst writing a book is just too comical to contemplate.

    Added mystery, my arse. This is the laziest book title produced since James Herriot wrote “It Shouldn’t Happen to a Vet”.

    You may wonder how Keith ever ended up in North Wales, being that he is an entrepreneur and planned to be a millionaire by the time he is 40. North Wales is hardly the centre for capitalist ventures and a hotbed of inspiration. In fact, Keith doesn’t even mention the fact that he is based in North Wales in his original ‘How to Get Rich’ manuscript.

    It is the fault of the English I am afraid. If you are English, have you ever been to North Wales? No? You should do. Lovely place. Sea, sand, mountains, culture (if you avoid Rhyl that is).

    Take a look at all the place names and signposts. They are written in English and (shock horror) Welsh. But surely no-one speaks Welsh, being that everyone in the Western World speaks English these days?

    This is a common perception held by anyone coming over the border into Wales. The English actually believe that Welsh is a dying language spoken only by old people who enjoy annoying English tourists queuing up in a village shop. English people think Welsh is only spoken when Welsh people want to talk about the English.

    Perceptions have consequences.

    Being an entrepreneur (or a skinflint – depending on who you ask), Keith identified that house prices in villages in North Wales with long, unpronounceable Welsh names are much lower than those with English sounding names. He bought a house at a very low price in Llandaffr DH and moved across the border.

    Does this have any relevance to this book? Not really, although I suppose it demonstrates that occasionally, and just occasionally, Keith really does have entrepreneurial instincts that pay off.

    I have included a copy of Keith’s real board meeting minutes.


    The Fat People Company Limited

    Minutes of Board Meeting in The Lump, Llandaffr DH – October 6th

    Attendance: Barry Leffat, Keith David

    It was decided:

    1. That there be a company called “The Fat People Company Limited”.
    2. Keith David to hold 100% of the shares. Barry Leffat to get an occasional wage.
    3. Keith David is Managing Director, Marketing Director is Charles Charlesworth, Finance Director is Andrew Andrewsohn and Anwen David is Company Secretary.
    4. Barry Leffat is to be Chief Guinea Pig.
    5. Keith David will finish writing his book and become a world famous expert on weight loss.
    6. Barry Leffat agrees to do what it takes to lose weight dramatically and change his life.
    7. By losing weight Barry will be much happier, and so will Keith David, who can then become a millionaire.
    8. Barry Leffat to take part in any publicity stunts that the company devises to promote awareness of the book.
    9. For maximum effect Barry Leffat is to ensure that he does not wash, shave or bath for at least 2 weeks for the promotional photographs. He also undertakes to drink Old Peculier beer to excess for a period of 14 days and eat copious amounts of kebabs, financed on account by the company.
    10. Arthur the Landlord interjected to say that Keith David needs to promise that he will pay his bar tab this time and not change the name on the tab when Arthur is not looking.

    Meeting ended at midnight when Barry polished off the remaining barrel of Old Peculier ready for his 14 day corporate bender (see point 8).


    Charles Charlesworth and Andrew Andrewsohn are both figments of Keith’s imagination, invented to make the company look bigger.

    It is very true that setting up a limited company is the best way to run your business. Keith has no choice. Since his first venture many years ago, I have restricted any cash investments to less than £200 per idea and under no circumstances is Keith allowed to remortgage the house.

    On this occasion I threatened him with prolonged and agonising death involving a catheter if he tried any clever tricks to spend money we did not have. My nursing experience comes in handy from time to time.

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