Me say listen to the drummer,
Me say listen to the bass,
Give me little music make me wind up me waist,
Pass the Dutchie on the left hand side.
Musical Youth, 1982

Editor’s Note:
Musical Youth were a reggae band in the early 1980’s. Read into the quote what you will, although bear in mind that a ‘Dutchie’ is (allegedly) a gigantic spliff. I suspect Keith was simply bored when he wrote this and searched the internet for any lyrics he could think of. Keith does not ‘do’ drugs of any kind apart from Covonia cough mixture.

By now, your book and writings should be well developed and you should be well on the way to marketing your expertise.

A very easy way to fill up some space in your book is to include a questionnaire. A questionnaire has two effects. The first is that you fill in plenty of space. The second is that you allow the reader to question themselves and come to the realisation that they need your expertise to change something about their lives or their surroundings.

Mine is below. It has been completed by many thousands of satisfied customers, who have given me feedback to say that it propelled them forward (not literally) in their battle against being overweight.

The Fat Man’s Guide to not being Fat
Chapter 3 – Help Yourself, You Loser

Let’s start by exploring some of the thoughts and feelings that result in you being a fat loser. What is it about your personality that makes you want to engorge on candyfloss (even when not at the fairground) and eat dog biscuits when there is no other food available?

Take the test below to see whether you are a) a Happy Fatty, b) thoroughly miserable or c) perfectly normal. It is important to circle the answers in the book with a pen.

1. You win the raffle at the local Women’s Institute Music Festival. There are three prizes to choose from – the first is a box of Black Magic chocolates, the second is a bottle of whisky and the third a years supply of organic potatoes from a local farmer. When choosing your prize, do you think of:
   a. Your waistline.
   b. Your partner.
   c. Your bank balance.
2. In the last question, before answering did you choose:
   a. The chocolates.
   b. The bottle of whisky.
   c. Years supply of organic potatoes.
3. Assuming you chose the Black Magic chocolates, and assuming you managed to get home without eating them all, how long would it take you personally to eat them?
   a. 10 minutes, assuming this was the 350g box and not the 500g box, in which case the answer would be 12 minutes.
   b. 1 week.
   c. 6 months or more. (answer c if you don’t like chocolate).
4. You get some depressing news. You need to talk to somebody – who would that be?
   a. Your wife/husband/partner etc..
   b. A close friend.
   c. A pack of Fox’s biscuits.
5. Finishing work for the day is always tiring. You feel hungry and decide to get something to ‘put you on’ until tea time. What do you eat?
   a. A Wetherspoons All Day Breakfast, extra chips and a pint.
   b. A cream cake and a cappuccino.
   c. A giant pretzel and a steamed soya milk with hazelnut flavouring.
6. How do you feel after eating the entire contents of your fridge?
   a. Slightly nauseous.
   b. Pleasantly satisfied but slightly unfulfilled.
   c. Very guilty at being a fat loser with cravings so overwhelming that you immediately devour the contents of your biscuit barrel to make you feel better.
7. Physical exercise is:
   a. unheard of.
   b. something I do when I need food.
   c. unhealthy and bad for you, shortening lifespan and causing arthritis.
8. The leader of the Palestine Liberation Organisation (PLO) until some point in the last 20 years was:
   a. Yasser Arathin
   b. Yasser Arafat
   c. Yasser Aberystwyth
9. When you read question 8 and saw the word fat underlined did you think:
   a. the writer of this quiz is insulting me.
   b. It must be a printing mistake.
   c. Underlining the word fat is a subliminal attempt to make me think about my weight.
10. I expect to die:
    a. Having a heart attack.
    b. Of old age.
    c. On the toilet with a double cheeseburger in one hand and a bottle of diet coke in the other.

Answers:

1 A 3 B 1 C 2
2 A 3 B 2 C 1
3 A 3 B 2 C 1
4 A 1 B 2 C 3
5 A 3 B 2 C 1
6 A 1 B 2 C 3
7 A 1 B 2 C 3
8 A 2 B 3 C 0*
9 A 2 B 1 C 3
10 A 2 B 1 C 3

• If you scored 0 for this question you are either drunk, Belgian or just plain stupid. Take this book back to the library and let someone else more deserving borrow it (with a view to purchasing at a later date, obviously – remember that this book has no effect at all if you just borrow it).

Results interpretation:
24+ You are somebody far, far gone and in need of the Fatman Programme.
15-23 You are probably clinically obese but still relatively normal.
Less than 14 You are thin and happy. Take this book back and ask for a refund. Unfortunately you have just written the answers in the book with a pen and therefore you won’t get your money back. Oh dear, never mind. That will teach you to deprive others of the chance to get a life changing experience.