Editor’s Note:
Keith’s middle name could well be ‘Gullible’. I can remember when the above email came in. Keith actually thought of following the Planning Officer’s advice and applying for planning permission to dig a tunnel onto the beach at Criccieth, one of the most beautiful seaside locations in North Wales.

Keith believes quite a few things he is told. When Keith was 13 his older sister told him that he was really 15, which was why he was growing hair in all the usual places slightly earlier than most other boys. She claimed to have seen their mother having intimate relations with the milkman behind a wheelie bin exactly 2 years and 9 months before Keith was born. His mother gave birth to him, quickly flushing him down the toilet before his father found out.

As Keith floated out of the sewerage pipe and into the sea he was rescued by a pack of wild dogs who raised him, teaching him to fight and bark as well as defecate in the most inconvenient of places. When he was two his mother discovered him scavenging in a dustbin and allowed him back into the house again. Keith cannot remember much of this episode of his life, but every time he hears Benny Hill singing “Ernie, the Fastest Milkman in the West”, he bursts into uncontrollable tears.

Although as an adult he knows that the story is almost definitely not true, deep down he still has a few doubts.

Keith discovered fairly quickly that to turn seaweed into a product that did not consist of browny-green mush spooned into a plastic bag, he would need to invest in equipment, spend money on research and development, check for existing patents and trademarks and pay for medical trials. With a budget of £0 and the attention span of a goldfish, Keith soon gave up the idea of developing his own seaweed product.

The final nail in the coffin of the seaweed spin-off was an incident that occurred on the A5 (a major trunk road in North Wales). Keith wrote an email, not in his book, which I have reproduced below.

Email from Keith David to the Independent Police Complaints Commission
October 15th

I wish to formally complain about the conduct of PC 13298 Jones who was on duty in Betws y Coed on October 14th and conducted a stop and search action on me, my car and my trailer at 6.00pm.

I am West Wales’s only surviving seaweed farmer. At the time I was returning from Criccieth beach having harvested a range of the finest quality seaweed requiring immersion in salt water within 2 hours of collection, heading towards my home in Llandaffr DH.

PC Jones informed me that he was stopping me because he had reason to believe I was carrying a shipment of narcotics recently collected from the beach in Criccieth. He claimed to have received an anonymous tip off from a member of the public.

I somewhat nonchalantly explained that the narcotic collection had been the previous week and it was always on the third Wednesday in the month, not the second.

PC Jones radioed in for backup, told me to get my hands where he could see them and something that sounded like “spread ‘em”.

Slightly concerned about PC Jones’s homoerotic fantasies and addiction to American crime dramas (I explained this point to him) I refused and was immediately tazered. Collapsing on the floor, I lost control of my legs and bladder.

Having searched the trailer and realised his mistake when a load of seaweed emptied out across the A5, PC Jones apologised (albeit with a big smile on his face) and pushed me with his boot (size 9 I think) into the side of the kerb. PC Jones told me to drive home when the buzzing in my head stopped and I could feel my legs again. I was left lying in the gutter in the rain with a trailer full of rotting seaweed. A long queue of cars attempted to get round the mound of seaweed that had spewed out into the road from the trailer but the traffic was soon stretching back about a mile. PC Jones was seemingly oblivious to the serious damage he caused the Welsh economy.

I intend to submit a bill at a later stage for my urine covered trousers and pants following the unprovoked tazer attack by PC Jones. This attack caused serious damage to the upholstery of my car.

My main complaint is the damage to the seaweed which sat in my trailer and on the road for over 4 hours until my wife could come and fetch me. It is now unusable.

The value of the seaweed is approximately £650,001.08p, taking into account an estimate that it would have produced over 6 million herbal tablets.

On the basis that you take your victim as you find him, I think the above amount is reasonable. I do not seek to have PC Jones further disciplined, although I should be grateful if you would attach a Tazer to his genitals and see how he likes it (although I suspect he may well enjoy it, no offence).

Please investigate PC Jones’ disgraceful behaviour as quickly as possible and resolve my claim for the above amount without further ado.

I will be seeking a press agent within the next 48 hours to sell my story to the national press unless I get a satisfactory response.

Yours searchingly,

Keith David.

(Just in case you were interested in this at all, I have included the response from the Independent Police Complaints Commission):

Dear Mr David,

Thank you for your email. We are sorry to hear about your unfortunate experience involving seaweed, PC 13298 Jones, and a Tazer. An independent investigator has been appointed, who will look into the matter and report back to us.

Yours
The Independent Police Complaints Commission

Dear Mr David.

We have now had the time to look into the matter previously referred to, and after interviewing PC 13298 Jones our investigation has concluded that no major breach of discipline has occurred. However PC 13298 Jones used his Tazer inappropriately and we have ordered him to attend an 8 week course to improve his training in the use of this weapon. His attendance on this course will be in his own time and at his own cost.

We hope this outcome satisfies you.
Independent Police Complaints Commission