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The Keith David Guide to Instant Wealth – Update on Weight Loss Guinea Pig

The Keith David Guide to Instant Wealth – Update on Weight Loss Guinea Pig
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The Hot Pad
21st October

It’s make or break time.

Barry needs to lose copious amounts of weight and quickly. Either that or we have to be very creative with a computer graphics package.

Spoken to Barry (our human guinea pig) today. Reminded him that he promised to lose lots of weight very quickly. Barry just giggled, said he would work on it and polished off his seventh pint of the afternoon. Arthur the Landlord has apparently just booked a holiday off the back of his earnings from Barry’s corporate binge.

I am considering two options:

  1. Caveman Option

With a bit of ingenuity we entice Barry into the Llandaffr DH cave and trap him there for six weeks until I have total control over his diet.

Advantages of Idea:
• Total control of Barry and his appetite.
• Cost effective – can feed him dry Value Porridge Oats from Tesco mixed with water – total weekly cost of 37p – plus the cost of a bucket for toilet visits and a torch/batteries. Possibly include a few bananas here and there to ensure he gets some vitamins.

Disadvantages of Idea:
• Criminal offences perpetrated by me – assault, kidnap and others. Potential 5-10 year prison sentence?
• Criminal offences committed by Barry on me when he got out of the cave – attempted murder, assault and anything else painful.
• Medical issues – would Barry get scurvy/rickets or any other deficiencies? Mental note to check online and make sure that not going to be damaging his health too much if we go with this option.

  1. Semi-Legal Drugs and a Dog Collar
    Drug Barry and fit a dog taming collar. Dog taming collar gives Barry an electric shock whenever he goes near food or drink.

Obviously Barry’s neck is somewhat wider than a dog’s and he should have a slightly higher IQ than most dogs, which means the collar has to be secure. If I fit the electric alarm loop around his kitchen and other similar locations I can keep control of his diet and drinking.

Plan for Dietary Reduction Action

  1. Give Barry a dose of the mushrooms & diazepam concoction.
  2. Whilst Barry is under the influence, stick a collar around his neck.
  3. At night fasten up electrical circuits around 1) the pub, 2) the village shop, 3) Barry’s car, 4) my house – just in case Barry goes crazy and attacks me), 5) Barry’s fridge.
  4. Have Plan B (perhaps attach electrodes to Barry’s nipples – would he notice?).
  5. Have Plan C – get the cave ready just in case.

Equipment/Personnel Needed
Mushrooms and Diazepam
1 specially adapted electric dog collar.
Lots of wire
Wire clips & Hammer
Car battery x 4


6.00pm – Produce the drug to knock Barry out and give it to Barry in a pint of beer.
8.00pm –Get Barry home. Apply the Fatman Dieting Device.
10.30pm – Start fitting circuits around village.
12.00am – Check on Barry – make sure he is sleeping.
2.00am – switch on circuits once complete.

Comments (1)

  • This is where everything gets slightly surreal.

    Keith applied thinking that would only get away with being described as ridiculous if we were being polite.

    If we were not being polite it could be suggested that this line of thinking was bordering on a demonstration of criminal insanity. On the one hand he was considering locking his best friend up in a cave and feeding him porridge for six weeks. On the other hand he was considering doping him, attaching a dog collar, administering electric shocks and making him incontinent.

    In his defence, Keith was getting nervous. He had invested time and effort writing the first bit of the book, but at this stage he had no actual idea how to get someone to lose weight quickly. He could not imagine Barry giving up drinking and eating kebabs. I am not sure that this falls within the definition of the word ‘defence’, but you get my drift….

    An electric taming collar for dogs is one of the best inventions known to man. Our dog Blue Sky (don’t ask – Keith named him) has been trained to stop within a 20m area of our garden. He only comes out of the garden to use the toilet or go for a walk. Blue Sky does not leave his area in the garden whilst wearing his collar.

    Why? Because his collar gives him such a strong electric shock he immediately wets himself and loses control of his leg muscles.

    I pointed out to Keith that the collar would be spotted pretty quickly by Barry and chances are he would work out that someone else had attached it to him. Following a couple of practice runs using Keith and a plastic sheet, we worked out that the best way of electrocuting Barry was not to use the collar at all. Instead, we could fasten the electric shock tag inside his shirt pocket, which covers his left nipple.

    I accept that I am partly to blame for what happened next, but you just never know with Keith’s ideas. He goes on about his plans so much that I eventually start to believe them and think we can make a lot of money…

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