The Hot Pad
21st October
It’s make or break time.
Barry needs to lose copious amounts of weight and quickly. Either that or we have to be very creative with a computer graphics package.
Spoken to Barry (our human guinea pig) today. Reminded him that he promised to lose lots of weight very quickly. Barry just giggled, said he would work on it and polished off his seventh pint of the afternoon. Arthur the Landlord has apparently just booked a holiday off the back of his earnings from Barry’s corporate binge.
I am considering two options:
- Caveman Option
With a bit of ingenuity we entice Barry into the Llandaffr DH cave and trap him there for six weeks until I have total control over his diet.
Advantages of Idea:
• Total control of Barry and his appetite.
• Cost effective – can feed him dry Value Porridge Oats from Tesco mixed with water – total weekly cost of 37p – plus the cost of a bucket for toilet visits and a torch/batteries. Possibly include a few bananas here and there to ensure he gets some vitamins.
Disadvantages of Idea:
• Criminal offences perpetrated by me – assault, kidnap and others. Potential 5-10 year prison sentence?
• Criminal offences committed by Barry on me when he got out of the cave – attempted murder, assault and anything else painful.
• Medical issues – would Barry get scurvy/rickets or any other deficiencies? Mental note to check online and make sure that not going to be damaging his health too much if we go with this option.
- Semi-Legal Drugs and a Dog Collar
Drug Barry and fit a dog taming collar. Dog taming collar gives Barry an electric shock whenever he goes near food or drink.
Obviously Barry’s neck is somewhat wider than a dog’s and he should have a slightly higher IQ than most dogs, which means the collar has to be secure. If I fit the electric alarm loop around his kitchen and other similar locations I can keep control of his diet and drinking.
Plan for Dietary Reduction Action
- Give Barry a dose of the mushrooms & diazepam concoction.
- Whilst Barry is under the influence, stick a collar around his neck.
- At night fasten up electrical circuits around 1) the pub, 2) the village shop, 3) Barry’s car, 4) my house – just in case Barry goes crazy and attacks me), 5) Barry’s fridge.
- Have Plan B (perhaps attach electrodes to Barry’s nipples – would he notice?).
- Have Plan C – get the cave ready just in case.
Equipment/Personnel Needed
Barry
Mushrooms and Diazepam
1 specially adapted electric dog collar.
Lots of wire
Torch
Ladder
Wire clips & Hammer
Car battery x 4
Timetable
6.00pm – Produce the drug to knock Barry out and give it to Barry in a pint of beer.
8.00pm –Get Barry home. Apply the Fatman Dieting Device.
10.30pm – Start fitting circuits around village.
12.00am – Check on Barry – make sure he is sleeping.
2.00am – switch on circuits once complete.
Keith David is a businessman from a small village in North Wales. He is the author of “The Fat Man’s Guide to Not Being Fat”, “How to Get Rich” and a couple of other self-help books. Best known for his dramatic rise to fame after inventing a dietary plan to lose 7 stone in a week, he is similarly fairly well known for his subsequent fall back into penury. His wife, Anwen David regularly hacks his blog entries and adds factual corrections. You can read Keith’s book on How To Get Rich by visiting Amazon here